CHRIS ON RAILS

a personal weblog of everything nice

Barack Obama Demotivational Poster June 14, 2009

Filed under: 2009,Funny,Politics — allyouneediscourage @ 5:00 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

LOL, this is the funniest political demotivational poster of Barack Obama that I’ve ever seen.  Yea… that’s his daughter hahaha.

obama_fail

Obama with daughter in a bumper car.

NOT PHOTOSHOPPED, that’s actually Obama!  These two links below confirm it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/11/02/the-obamas-greatest-famil_n_132339.html

http://chicago.about.com/od/chicagopeople/ss/SashaPhotos1.htm

 

Where Amazing Happens June 2, 2009

All my life, my greatest dream has been to become a professional athlete. Unfortunately, my genes won’t allow me to do that. Maybe I should have set my sights on the national spelling bee, because Indians rock that shit every year. But as far as actual sports, I’m limited to mostly wondering “what if”.

In any case, I bring this up because a friend of mine asked recently if I had the choice would I:

A)     Catch a game-winning TD

B)      Sink a game-winning bucket

C)      Hit a walk off homerun

I thought about this for about 5 seconds and answered B. And not because it’s the most popular sport (Football is) or the least physically demanding (Baseball is) or because you get paid the most (probably baseball again, unless you’re a top-tier basketball talent).

It’s because of the celebration afterwards. Think about it. Football players are flagged and penalized and hounded by media talking heads for doing anything remotely exciting. Baseball players are similarly taken to task for “not respecting the game” and baseball players in general tend to be pretty boring anyway (when Jose Reyes is considered to be an entertaining personality, you have a problem).

The NBA isn’t my favorite league by a long stretch, but part of what brings me back to the game every All-Star game and playoff series is the characters involved. Only in basketball do you get see guys like Ron Artest, Stephen Jackson, Rafer Alston, Chris “The Bird Man” Anderson and countless other completely insane characters get on a national stage. And with a collection of insane characters you also get the best celebrations.

And with all that said, here it is: a list of my favorite NBA celebrations.

#9. Sam Cassel’s Big Huevos dance, as demonstrated by Kobe

Minus points for ripping off Sam Cassel. Minus points for going on to lose the game after doing said dance. Plus points for the sheer awesomeness of the dance, ripped off or not.

#8. Kobe steals one from the Suns

Minus points for coming after a controversial jump ball call on Nash. Minus points for Kobe stealing another move, this time doing Jordan’s single fist pump. Minus points for the Laker fans not being able to come up with anything better than “MVP” chants. Plus points for the chest beating and thumping by Kobe afterwards. This is not something many other players would do, because many of them are not as self-centered as Kobe and wouldn’t separate from their teammates so soon after a buzzer beater to get some solo camera time. But you gotta give him something for being unique (since he rarely is, ha!).

#7. Dwayne Wade wants you to recognize

Dwayne Wade makes the running 3 after picking up the loose ball, then runs over to the scorer’s table and hops on top of it. He just demands that everyone look up to him and celebrate his greatness. A Kobe-esque move, where the celebration is all about the player and not the team. But the difference is that the Heat suck and his teammates didn’t deserve shit. Also have to love the look on Brad Miller’s face. Well done.

#6. When you know it’s good without having to see it

A classic Jordan. The cameraman doesn’t even have to follow the shot , because Jordan started celebrating right after he let go of the ball. Of course, Craig Ehlo in the background falling down is what really puts the finishing shine on this game winner.

#5. Reggie Miller beats Jordan, loses his mind

First, you have to love Reggie’s play here. He shoved Jordan out the way, giving MJ a taste of his own medicine (see “Classic Jordan”, below). This is back before the NBA decided to pansify the game; nowadays, you’d probably get 5-to-life for that move. But the best part is Reggie’s reaction. Even in 1998, with Jordan on the decline, beating MJ in a playoff game like this was so unspeakable that it caused even the coolest, most clutch shooter in the game to completely lose his mind.

4. Ben Gordon has something to show you.

Grabbing your balls after a huge shot in one of the all-time great games in NBA history– something the league will predictably cut out of their classic games footage, but I will remember this moment fondly. For the record, this is my celebration of choice if I were to ever be in that position.

#3. Classic Jordan

Jordan basically invents the “freeze your follow through” move. This occurs in 1998, well after Jordan had already cemented his legacy. He doesn’t have anything to prove, so now it’s just about style points. Look at the faces of the Utah fan at 0:46. That’s the face of someone who realizes that they always knew in their hearts that weren’t going to win. Jordan had that kind of effect.

#2. Lebron’s Jordan moment

Listen to the dead silence before the shot and eruption of sound after it. Watch for Mo William’s disbelieving collapse on the court and Lebron just losing it and sprinting down the court to join his teammates after the shot. Check out Stan Van Gundy’s “well, what are you going to do” face at 0:55. Awesome.

#1. Baron Davis shares a moment with the best fans in the NBA

Why is this #1? Because this celebration is noteworthy not just for the player involved, but for the fans and teammates’ reaction.

Allow me to set the scene. The Golden State Warriors, hailing from one of the most hard-luck cities in the USA (Oakland, Calif.), are playing in their first playoff game in 13 years. The Warriors sport one of the most eclectic starting lineups in the NBA, with team leader Baron “Boom Dizzle” Davis, Stephen “Captain Jack” Jackson, Monta “Mississippi Bullet” Ellis, and Matt “Needs a Cool Nickname” Barnes.  These are guys with tons of talent, tons of character, and tons of tattoos, but not a ton of star power.

They also had an equally off-beat home crowd, who weren’t priced out of the arena by richer corporate types that had taken over every other playoff team’s stands. The result was magic, and this clip showed it all. Look at the reaction by the fan starting at 0:32—pure unadulterated joy and amazement. Nothing exemplifies “Where Amazing Happens” like the look on that fan’s face right there.

 

Rudy Giuliani knows how to work an ad January 5, 2008

Filed under: Election 2008,Funny,Humor,Politics,Presidential Candidate,Rudy Giuliani — allyouneediscourage @ 12:20 am

Rudy Giuliani ready pumping fists

By the end of 2008, George Bush will be out of the office and a new president will step in.  Rudy Giuliani is gunning for presidential candidacy with this insane and unintentionally funny ad.  Giuliani was good for New York City especially after 9/11 but as leader of the country…well I want to say I am indifferent about him.

This ad is called Ready and is approved by Rudy Giuliani.

WOW.

I could not have made a more aggressive ad if I tried with all my might.  However…in my opinion, this ad probably could have been cut down to 10 seconds and still give off the same message.  Here’s what it would have been like.

Osama Bin Laden fires off an AK47 while terrorist children construct IEDs.  American children are seen crying.  At the end, a B52 Stratofortress carpet bombs the shit out of a small poverty stricken village.  Cut to King Leonidas spearing a Persian soldier screaming “FOR GLORY”!  Then Rudy Giuliani says, “I’m Rudy Giuliani and I’M READY!”

 

Epic Failures of 2007 December 30, 2007

Filed under: 2007,Celebrities,Epic Fail,Funny,Humor — allyouneediscourage @ 6:57 pm

Epic Fail Homer Simpson

In no particular order except for #1 Britney, here is a list of epic failures for 2007.

Britney Spears

  • This girl has reached a level of failure so high that a separate scale needs to be made.  After her epic failed marriage with Kevin Federline, she’s gone apeshit crazy.  From reckless driving, to horrendous parenting, to random self punishment, she has been on a rollercoaster ride of MASSIVELY epic failure.

Jamie Lynn Spears

  • Pregnant at 16?  This is actually not uncommon, but only dumb shitty people get pregnant at 16.  It’s not like she couldn’t afford birth control.  Jamie Lynn was supposed to be a role model for young teens, and different from Britney Spears.  The rumored father might not have been her 19 year old ex-boyfriend, but a much much older Nickelodeon studio exec.  Epic Fail.

Vanessa Hudgens

  • The nude picture of her that floated around the internet is actually pretty disturbing…and it may or may not qualify as child porn since her age is questionable.  She once was a rising music star and a Disney star appearing in the widely praised High School Musical.  Now she’s just lame and dating Zac Efron.  That guy literally wears makeup and is so gay that it makes me want to kick small children.

Paris Hilton

  • I hope no one forgot about Paris because she made headlines in the first part of 2007.  She was sentenced to jail for an extraordinarily brief amount of time for serious repeated offenses.  She was mocked by Sarah Silverman at an Awards show as well as laughed at by almost everyone.  After her release, she claimed to be a changed person which of course is a crock of epic failure.  Recently, her grandfather has left just $5 million out of his $2.3 billion fortune for her inheritance.  This may still seem like a lot, but it’s Paris Hilton we’re talking about.

Playstation 3

  • Instead of being called Playstation 3, it should be called Playstation Fail.  After debuting at the end of last year with much success, Sony has completely bombed 2007.  Some of the things that have contributed to this failure are terrible games such as “Lair”, multiple confusing versions of the PS3 with minor differences, and a high price tag.  Meanwhile, the Nintendo Wii is still sold out everywhere despite being on the market for a year.

Financial firms / Subprime mortgages

  • The credit crisis has been covered more times than I can count by every news outlet.  The list of affected companies include investment banks like Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, and Citigroup.  Mortgage lenders like Freddie Mac and Countrywide Financial have been getting hammered.  Furthermore, failed CEOs like Chuck Prince left Citigroup with a golden parachute while the company took heavy losses.  The ‘R’ word (Recession) has been used a number of times.  This meltdown defines epic failure.

Amy Winehouse

  • Pretty much the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen, her horrifying pictures qualify her to be of epic failure quality.

Jessica Simpson

  • Her romance with Tony Romo has been annoying football fans.  Her latest album blows.  Her movie career is bombing faster than I can type this.  Case in point, her most recent movie theatre opening grossed $384 in its opening — $48 per screen, 6 people per showtime, and a total of 48 viewers.  Even her line of cosmetics have been moved into discount stores.  Washed up hack and EPIC FAIL!!!

Kane & Lynch: Dead Men

  • The firing of Gamespot’s veteran reviewer Jeff Gerstmann has been linked to this game by Eidos Interactive.  He had given the game a “Fair” rating which was apparently undesirable.  Users on the popular site DIGG would later expose faked ratings by Eidos to make the game appear better.  The subsequent coverup could only be described as an epic failure.

Tom Cruise

  • A bit of a stretch but his foray into Scientology and marriage of insanity with Katie Holmes has still been leaving me speechless.  Any stories about Tom Cruise now are generally about how he has epicly failed.
 

The world might be flat or on turtles. September 19, 2007

Filed under: Art,Funny,Humor,Metaphysics,Turtles All The Way Down — allyouneediscourage @ 10:14 pm

Finally I get the chance to relate a little story to something that’s happened recently.  The picture is from http://www.lostgarden.com/index.html and is painted by Danc.  It’s the best picture I’ve seen that illustrates this joke of infinite regression.  Beautifully drawn!

Turtles All The Way Down drawn by Danc of http://www.lostgarden.com/index.html

Here’s the most popular version of the story.

A well-known scientist (some say it was the philosopher Bertrand Russell) once gave a public lecture on astronomy. He described how the Earth orbits around the sun and how the sun, in turn, orbits around the centre of a vast collection of stars called our galaxy.

At the end of the lecture, a little old lady at the back of the room got up and said: “What you have told us is rubbish. The world is really a flat plate supported on the back of a giant tortoise.”

The scientist gave a superior smile before replying, “What is the tortoise standing on?”

“You’re very clever, young man, very clever,” said the old lady. “But it’s turtles all the way down!”

There are actually people like Sherri Shepherd from The View who might not know if the world is round or flat.  After watching this video, I’m sure she would believe the story above.  Just read some of the comments that I’ve chosen and watch the video.

“By the way, there are people whether you agree with them or not…there are people who do not believe in an almighty God.”

“I never thought about it Whoopi…is the world flat?  I’ve never thought about it.”

“Do we get energy from the sun?”

“Baby…we gotta goto the library and find some books.”

How can you be on a show like The View and speak so intelligently?

 

The LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE YouTube video is revolting. September 12, 2007

Filed under: Britney Spears,Celebrities,Funny,Youtube — allyouneediscourage @ 11:52 pm

This is another sad day not because of some horrific event, it’s because of this guy in the most watched Youtube video at the moment called LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!  Somehow Britney Spears’ horrendous performance at the 2007 VMAs has spawned hundreds of news stories and blog entries including this one.  I didn’t think it would spur somebody to do a video like this.

His name is Chris Crocker which is very surprising because I actually thought that he was a SHE the first time I watched the video.  The voice sounds somewhat feminine and then there’s the makeup.  I noticed the mustache and that’s when I thought WHAT THE !@#$% IS THIS MONSTROSITY?  Lets face the facts here, everyone’s watching the video to get an uneasy laugh.  It’s funny but also revolting.  If you empathize with this guy, then I honestly don’t know how to respond to you.  I was speechless after watching this.

Remember Britney Spears from the VMAs back in 2003?

Britney Spears and Madonna kiss at 2003 VMAs

Remember Britney Spears from her Toxic video?

Britney Spears Toxic video screenshot

Remember Britney Spears from way back?

Britney Spears in a nice tight blue dress

Remember Britney Spears from the beginning?

Britney Spears Rolling Stone provocative cover shoot

Young Britney Spears laughing on the beach

 

Funny cartoon of Michael Vick. Whoopi Goldberg defends him. September 6, 2007

Filed under: Celebrities,Football,Funny,Humor,Michael Vick — allyouneediscourage @ 7:25 pm

Great cartoon here of the Michael Vick issue.  I forgot where I found it but full credit to the artist.

Cartoon Michael Vick faces an all dog jury

Yesterday I saw this video, and it can be reasonably interpreted that Whoopi Goldberg is defending Michael Vick and not looking at him with the disdain that she should.

Here’s the quote from Whoopi Goldberg… 

“He’s from the South, from the Deep South … This is part of his cultural upbringing,”
“For a lot of people, dogs are sport,” Goldberg said on the show. “Instead of just saying (Vick) is a beast and he’s a monster, this is a kid who comes from a culture where this is not questioned.”

So what if there was a probability Michael Vick didn’t know it was wrong, it’s such a garbage excuse. That’s like saying I didn’t know it was wrong to go out and end someone’s life on Wednesday nights because in my hometown that’s culturally acceptable. Yeah dogfighting is probably still culturally acceptable down there but it’s not acceptable to the rest of society. They used to hang and own black people and that was acceptable in some areas, but it was not acceptable to the rest of the United States. Point being…Majority rules. The law rules. Case fuckin closed.

Michael Vick is getting such a hard rap because he’s supposed to be this nice football player that most people held in high regard. There might be some killers out there not getting the same kind of disdain and that’s because they are NOBODY. No one cares about them but people used to care about Michael Vick. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

After that video spread like wildfire, Whoopi realizes she just made a mistake and tries to rectify it by being completely unintelligible in this explanation video.

“…no one takes a minute to say…ok what exactly did you say?  Because no one’s written what I actually said.  You can’t go online and hear what I actually said.  People edited our…our uhhh clips” – Whoopi Goldberg making absolutely no sense.

“It’s very crafty of them,” says some random speaker on The View.

“There are people who hate blacks.  There are people who hate Jews.” – Barbara Walters

Nice one Barbara, I have no rebuttal to that.